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On my birthday last year my partner and I went to the city and stopped by my favorite store, Mr. S Leather, bastion of gay leather sex, and was looking for a new shirt when I stumbled across this shirt made of this new and interesting material and it was love at first touch. And there were matching pants, as well! It fit like a glove and that was just fine with me. The fact that the outfit emulates a police uniform didn’t hurt, either! There is nothing like trying on clothes in a gay men’s leather store, the house music thumping in the background, and the various brands of fisting creams stacked like a pyramid on your way to the dressing rooms.
Trying on the outfit, I felt like a new person. The fit was perfect, even though it was made for a man. And the fabric … was light and almost like another layer of skin. I am not a "clothes horse," but if more clothes were like this, I could be! And a new experience for me: it was slightly too long on the legs, and so was tailored for me in the store! I could get used to gay men kneeling around me and fitting clothes to my body! In the year that I’ve owned it, this outfit has not gotten much wear; I think I’m afraid I’ll wear it out to too many occasions, and so have swung in the opposite direction. But I was excited to pull it out for this shoot – a shoot for my own site! I knew that these clothes could put me at ease in front of the camera right away – and even stripping down from them would look hot, whether I tried to or not! I don’t really know what I was thinking about during the shoot. They seem to take forever, but then you’re done and you’re like "It’s over already?!" It’s never easy for a butch to get in front of the camera -- no matter how much we’ve talked up our egos before the shoot, there is always a fear that somehow you will end up being made a fool. "Perhaps other butches will think that modeling makes me less butch, somehow," you think. Or "Am I trying to hard? Am I being a parody of myself?" also daunts you as the camera shutter clicks and the lights flash. I knew I had to put pictures of myself up on my own site, if for no other reason than to let the butches that I will be taking pictures of in the future know that I have been here, done this. And that it’s not just okay, not just fun, but also rewarding. There is nothing as self-affirming as getting pictures taken of you where you are 100% yourself, and putting them out in front of the world, with pride and overcoming your fear. To know (or discover!) that there are girls out there whose eyes will grow wide with excitement seeing these images is more reward than any money. To know you have made a public statement saying "This is who I am!" will put more self-esteem in your step than any compliment – or anything that comes from outside you. |
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